I am my own worst enemy...

I don’t have as much time as I thought I did when I started this blog. So it’s been hard to get back here to keep it updated, for that I apologize. Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been working a lot of overtime so I have not had a whole lot of time or energy to pursue sex. I will be taking a week soon for some R & R with my wife in a warmer climate. Interestingly enough or I should say true to form I have already put an ad on craigslist to try to hook-up with a guy in the area I am going to. I guess I am a slut. Hey, I always admitted to liking sex with guys.

The situation at work has quieted down quite a bit. If you recall I played with fire and got burned. I have had little contact with the guy who outed me, really only to rip into him about what he did to me. I am ashamed to say, I am still sexually attracted to him. The sex was awesome (and I never use that word). In my weak moments, I think maybe we can get together again for sex. It’s really up to me. I doubt very much it will happen but being the age I am, I never say never. What the fuck am I saying here!!! I am fucked up.

My relationship with my wife has been pretty good. The sex part not so good, It’s been few and far between. The few times we have had sex, have been very mechanical and I hate that. I could just as well jerk-off. I will keep you posted on how my vacation is going as I will be connected most of the trip. Not for work, just for pleasure…..

It is a Good Friday

So today is Good Friday and good it has been so far this morning. After more then a few hectic weeks things are starting to settle down. My health has improved and work seems to be going ok, although busy. My relationship with my wife has been also improving mostly because I have made the extra effort to make it so. I am always surprised at the outcome of things when I put in extra effort. You would thing that I would have figured this out by middle age.

After a long time (I think months) I have finally made a hook-up. I occasionally hook-up with a younger guy who is great in bed. Sometimes it’s a quickie and some time not. This last time it was not a quickie and boy was it good. When I go a long time without male to male contact I forget how good I feel afterwards. As I said in previous post I love sex with woman but also love it with guys. I feel sooo relaxed at this moment, and that would be because we just finished a little while ago.

Looking forward to taking a trip to a warmer climate in a few weeks, it will be nice to get out of this crappy weather we have been experiencing lately, also looking forward to spending some down time with my wife. Still have not had the conversation with her, but am getting closer everyday. Well, till next time…

Time heals wounds?

The passage of time has lessened the stress I have been going through. The outing situation at work has calmed down, the gossipers have moved on and my health has improved over the last couple of weeks. My so called friend at work has tried to make conversation but I am just to angry with him to discuss the situation.

As things settle, my thoughts turn back to my bi/sexuality. I have not had any sex lately and am in need of some. I worked my way down to the local cruising spot yesterday but it was pretty quiet. I did see someone that I had hooked up with a few years ago and he tried to get my attention, but I kinda made believe I did not see him. He came with too many rules. I am more of a go with the flow guy. While i do have my limits, they are few. Unfortunately, I came home and took care of myself.

As I am feeling stronger by the day I will continue my quest this weekend to bring my wife along my bisexual journey.Boy am I felling much better...

Just another day...

Thanks for the comments guys. This has been a very sobering experience and I think I need some time to lick my wounds. It took me years to come out to someone I knew and when I finally did, it blew up in my face. Talk about a hard learned lesson.

It's not likely my wife will know about what happened at work. She does not know anyone I work with and I have always made a practice of not socializing with work buddies. Well, with one exception(and look what happened). I have never been betrayed like this before. As the days have passed it has gotten easier so I suppose that's a good thing. Till the next time...

Back into the closet...

It’s been awhile since I have been here and a lot has happened. My health has not been good, I think the long hours I have been working are catching up with me. I also think the mental stress of this bi thing is taking its toll on my physical health. I guess I am just run down physically and mentally. Most importantly I have been outed at work.

My so called friend at work, who I trusted (what a fool I was) felt the need to tell some people who he thought he could trust about our “affair” (his word). So you can imagine the fall out from that. Up till now all of my bisexual contacts have been I guess you would say anonymous. I have avoided any kind of relationship with the guys I generally met online. Sure we would have repeat performances, but they were never involved in my every day life. I always avoided that at all costs. Here’s the one guy I trusted and he let me down in a big way, at this point the biggest way possible. I am quite depressed at this turn of events. This whole thing is starting to look like a soap opera. I have never had drama in my life and I really don’t want it to start now.

Being in this physical and mental state is making me think about pulling back on the whole idea about being open with my wife. I think I am going to retreat to the closet for a little while.

If I knew then what I know now...

I have been a little vague about describing myself here as to not give too many clues to who I might be. As I said before, living on Staten Island is like living in a small town. If you heard of six degrees of separation, Staten Island is probably 3 degrees. In any case, I would like to say a few things about myself which the reason why will be come apparent later in the post.

I like to think I am in reasonably good shape for my age. I have been lifting weights 3 times a week since my mid twenties as well as hitting a heavy bag. I am an avid bicycle rider, in season (and sometimes out). I ride a minimum of 12-15 miles at least 3 times a week (most times more). While I am on the stocky side most people will say I am built solid, a little extra padding around the waist but by no means fat. Now I mention this because…

Yesterday afternoon I found myself at the emergency room at the local hospital due to severe chest pains. This is the first time anything like this has happened to me. After the customary 4 hours of tests it was determined I was not having a heart attack. If there is a God I thank him or her. The most they could say, it was possibly a pulled muscle as I still have some pain, but I will have to see my regular doctor on Monday. Up to this point I have reached middle age with none of the afflictions that effected my parent’s generation at this age. My father had passed away at the age I am at now.

I am not sure where I going with all this just needed to get it out of my system. I suppose the stress of my “coming out” could be playing a role in my physical health. In any case this episode got my wife and me communicating after our little blow out yesterday. This whole thing got me thinking about when we are young we do take for granted our health and think we will always have it no matter what. I remember hearing many times that “youth is wasted on the young”. Man, if I knew then what I know now?

A monkey wrench

Wow. I am not sure what happened this morning, but I had a big blowout with my wife. Interestingly enough it was about money! We rarely argue and we never argue about money. This weekend was the weekend I was going to at least start telling her. Did I bring this on subconsciously to avoid the real issue? Did she sense something and start the argument? My head is spinning at the moment. I hope we can come to some understanding before tonight as we have a family function to go to. I am going to go for a walk in a little while as I need to clear my head. This does throw a monkey wrench in to my plans. Hopefully I can salvage the weekend.

Just another day.

I have completed my night shift assignment. If you have been a regular reader of my blog, you will know I have been working the overnight shift temporarily and have not been happy about it. It just seems that you have way to much time to think about your life on the overnight. Not that it’s a bad thing to think about your life, It’s just that when you do the shift on a temporary basis you are usually tired. Thinking about your life when you’re tired all the time makes your problems seem so much more unmanageable.

Going to try to go out and have some fun this weekend. If the chemistry seems right I am going to suggest a 3some to my wife. If this opens a dialogue on the subject of my sexuality, I intend to go with it. I am going to be as straight forward and sensitive as I can be.

In any case I will have to have sex with a guy very soon as I am really horny for some male contact…

Do we call it "coming out"?

Unless you work the night shift steady, flip flopping between shifts suck the life right out of you. Hopefully this will end soon. Haven’t had any quality time with my wife lately and hoping this weekend to do just that. Our relationship is in an unusual place right now. As I concentrate on my relationship with her, she seems to withdraw. Maybe she knows it’s coming. She has been really running hot and cold lately. From having great sex one night to cold and distant the next. Posts will most likely be short over the next few days, due to this flip flopping of shifts at work. I am as close as I have ever been to “coming out” so to speak.

Is it rose colored glasses?

It’s been a few days since I have been here and have had some time to think about some of my issues. I have come to the conclusion, that if my wife asks me about my bisexuality I will admit to it. I still have not settled on how much though. Do I say I have been doing it all my adult life or do I say it’s been something recent? I will try to assure her it’s not an emotional thing, but purely a sexual/physical thing. I am sure this is not going to matter in the initial reaction. I have accepted the fact, that I can no longer keep this from her. This is my wife and friend for many years! Something inside me says, after the initial shock and reaction she will accept it. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I believe this issue as it stands now is starting to seriously affect our day-to-day relationship. I am not relating to her in the same way I have done in the past. I am kinda snappy, a little withdrawn at times and my mind is preoccupied with this issue a lot of the times.

I once read somewhere that it is a long road from realization to acceptance. What I have took for acceptance over the years may have only been realization. I have accepted the fact that I am bisexual. I have not over the years accepted the fact that it does affect my relationship with my wife. I may be looking through rose-colored glasses but I think I am at least beginning to travel in the direction of being honest with myself.

Is bisexuality only about sex?

I suppose timing in life is everything. I guess I am waiting for the right time to tell my wife I am bisexual, ask my wife for a 3-some and what ever else I am waiting to do. It’s a good possibility this is part of a larger problem in my life.

Interestingly enough, I am the dominant personality in our relationship in general . I have always taken the lead in our sexual relations up until this ity bity turn of events. I agree with Erodoux I just would like to enjoy the benefit of my bisexuality with my wife. I really do not have a desire at this point to be with another woman. However I really need to be with another guy.

Maybe I am thinking too much? I seem to be spending a lot of time on all things bisexual lately. Is this a normal part of the process of coming out so to speak? I gotta go back to work….

A missed opportunity

I do not want this blog to turn into my sexual exploits. It seems that has been my focus lately. Is my bisexuality totally about the act of sex only?

Last night during the course of our very heated lovemaking, we got into our little fantasy stories again. I told my wife about a fantasy of us and another guy. She seamed to be heated and into it as in the past. We made love for quite some time all the while fantasizing about another guy joining us in bed and engaging in bisexual activity. I made it very clear that I wanted to do this. However, after we were done and just laying in the afterglow, I did not pursue it any further. A total missed opportunity.

Going back to work tomorrow. Not really looking forward to the everyday grind. A lot of times I let it suck the life right out of me. Being in the social services has taken a toll on me, which is one of the reasons I have gone back to school. Will be making a career change within the next year that will remove me from being involved with total strangers’ problems. Soo looking forward to that!

Is it cheating???

First I want to say, I fully appreciate the comments I have received from Mark and Nate. I think they show a lot of integrity, in the true sense of the word. I could only wish that I reach that point with some sense of sanity.

I have been off from work all week. I have had time to relax from a very hectic schedule. Took some time to do some of the things I enjoy doing, cooked a few meals, spent some time with my wife and kids both together and separately, and generally just bummed around the house. I also had the time to make a few posts here, which probably will be cut down considerably once I go back to work.

I have no illusions about what it is called that I am doing. It is called cheating. I have been having sex outside of my marriage. I believe it doesn’t matter whether it is a male or female. Just for the record I have also had sex with females. Although it’s been quite some time and have been with mostly guys. Am I truly bisexual? I still enjoy sex with woman. I still enjoy the female body. But I also do enjoy sex with guys.

My wife and I have always had an active sex life. This included both fantasy stories we would tell one another as well as using toys. You see, this is where it gets tricky. She has used a strap-on on me and we have watched bi porn together. She is well aware of my excitement level, as we have done these various things. We are also regulars at Sandy Hook (nude beach). We go more then a few times a year and I usually pick a spot on the edge of the gay section. It doesn’t go un-noticed by her. She is also ok with me going to the beach alone for which I always sit in the gay section. Although she has never asked me where I sit when I go alone. She did ask me once during the course of sex if I have ever been with a guy. I didn’t want to lie, but I did feel that was not the moment to say yes. She has never asked again, but I do think she knows I lied that night. So I do think she does have some idea of my bisexuality, but still not sure how she will react when I actually say the words to her….

Can you have your cake and eat it too???

I suppose I have “had my cake and ate it too” for a lot of years. For a lot of years I have enjoyed the spoils of bisexuality. I have had great sex with my wife and was able to successfully have great sex with guys. So the question remains, why am I having a difficult time with it now? Could it be that I was on automatic pilot? All the time this was going on, I was working on my career, bringing up kids and just dealing with family life in general. So I suppose I didn’t have time to really analyze what I was actually doing. As I said in previous posts, I was ok with the whole thing. I was getting what I needed.

Is this a mid life crisis? When I was younger I was always annoyed by the term “midlife crisis”. I always thought it better to say the guy was going through a “midlife course correction”. Unless he is going out and getting arrested or doing something suicidal, I don’t think the word crisis applies. What’s the harm in seeking out who is within? I guess it would be a crisis for the others involved but not actually for him. So the question remains. Is this a “midlife course correction” for me? I will leave all of these questions for now.

I want talk about Staten Island for a few minutes. Staten Island is a borough of New York City. It is two miles from Brooklyn and about 6 miles from the tip of Manhattan. However, sometimes you would think the island was really hundreds of miles away. Most Staten Islanders by far are very conservative, some almost to the point of narrow mindedness. I know some islanders who have never traveled into Manhattan. I know a little scary! I don’t want to sound pretentious but I think I have outgrown this place. It really has gotten stale for me. The one thing I do want to add, there are more married bisexual guys on Staten Island then anyone would want to admit. I know I have met many.

This is for Mark. Please feel free to comment any time. I realize you are further along on this journey then I am and have greater perspective. Also when you say take a step back, do you mean to stop having sex with guys? Curious, because that would really take an effort on my part. As you could see I am very much in the questioning stage. Till the next time…..

Some time off......

I think the weather here is starting to get to me. The winter has been mild up until a few weeks ago. Then we had the bitter cold and just recently snow/ice storm. On top of that I have been working the overnight. Bored with it all. On vacation this week, time to remember who I am. Had a busy weekend but now things have slowed down. Will be doing some projects around the house that I have been putting off. Have been cruising CL to see if I can hook-up with someone. I know I have said this before but need some male-to-male contact real soon. Especially that sex with wife has not been satisfying. I will also work on that some more this week. I really need to know if it is her, or am I giving off some vibe. I think spending some time with her this week will be a good thing. I really do want back our old sex life.

What's next?

I have been working the overnight shift lately to help out at work. I have had A lot of time to think about things, maybe too much time. I have not had any male-to-male action in a while and want to badly. Sex with my wife has not been very often and even then it’s not been satisfying. I really do think she has lost interest in sex. I have tried a lot of things to make it more interesting, but she really hasn’t responded. I think she just goes through the motions to please me. I fucking hate it, I can just as well jerk off. I am not sure what to make of this latest development. Am I sending some signal that she is picking up on? We used to have a great and active sex life. I am bored to death with it now.

I have been thinking seriously about having the discussion with her about my bisexuality. I realize once the can of worms is opened it can never be closed, so I will be very careful about my decision to do it. We are on vacation this week together with no plans to go anywhere. Maybe this would be a good week to do it. I have been feeling very down lately, kind of dissatisfied with the direction of my life. I am at the stage in my life where the kids are grown and out of the house, reasonably financially ok and in good health. What next? I have waited a long time for this and now comes the restlessness. I have been growing up kids since I was 20. Is it my time now? As I proofread this I realize it sounds like I am rambling on. I guess I am!

I have had contact with my friend from work. He always makes me feel good when I talk to him. We will try to get together this week. Sex with him has always been hot and I look forward to getting together.

Will the road lead to a warmer climate?

There is nothing like working the overnight shift to kill your social life. I volunteered to help out and work the overnight for a little while. The money is good but unless I am out drinking or fucking around, I would rather be sleeping.

Years ago when I was trying to prove my heterosexuality (to myself anyway) I got involved with a woman who I have seen from time to time for great sex. She has been contacting me of late wanting to get together. Funny thing about it, if I am going to take the time to meet her I would rather meet a guy now instead. Haven't had any guy-to-guy sex in a while and missing it very much. Wish I had the balls to come out to my wife. I just want the ability to make the time without making excuses. I admit the skulking around does wear on me.

I see my old employee regularly because he still works for the company but in a different division. Every time I see him I just get hard thinking about our last encounter. I really am sexually attracted to him, plus a little fond of him also. That makes for the great sex I suppose. Wife was going out over the weekend and I found myself working overdrive to scheme a meeting with him. Unfortunately I could not pull it off. A little frustrating at times.

Have been thinking about moving to a warmer climate, actually been thinking about it for a few years now. Finally got my wife to consider it. Will be taking a trip down to the Daytona area soon, have some family there. Will check out housing and job market. Have not been enjoying the winters here for at least ten years now. Maybe it's time. Have been really restless lately......

A little further down the road...

I have been satisfied all along with the way I have had to deal with my sexuality. There are times when I do get frustrated that I cannot just go out and have sex with a guy. But I guess that might be so with a woman also. Anyway, My wife is a great wife and mother and doesn't deserve this sneaking around that I have to do. However, I do not have the will nor desire to break up my family. You see what a lot of guys don't realize, when you leave your wife for another man or a woman you don't just leave your wife. You break up your family. I am not and may not ever be ready to do that. So for now, I will just take it as it comes.

It is quite difficult to meet safe and sane guys or , although I have been lucky, you see I am totally straight acting and looking. I am just a regular guy with a secret. I would never hint at or hit on any of my friends for fear of exposure.

I am right now involved sexually with a former employee who was gay and out. We went out for a drink on his last day working for me and he hit on me and I caved in. He is a great guy, just a little fem but very cool. I actually envy his ability to be out and comfortable with his sexuality.
This is a new thing for me as I never had a sexual relationship with someone I new before. It really seems to be going OK at the moment. Well that's all for now

The long and winding road

I am new to this blogging stuff and just really here to say out loud what has been going on in my mind for a long time. I am a bi married male. I suppose I have known since I was a kid that I was attracted to males. I was always trying to sneak a peak at other naked guys. As I became sexually aware I realized that I would get aroused by these drive by peeks. As a teenager while I did look at hetero porn, I always was looking to get my hands on gay porn as well. As life went on I started to ignore these feelings and did the "right thing" and married my childhood sweetheart when I was 20 years old. I have been married to her for a long time and had two beautiful kids and a relatively happy life (still married to same woman). Early on in my marriage I started to have strong urges to continue looking at gay porn and did so. Finally one day in my early twenties I acted on the urge and hit one of the cruising spots. The rest is just history, I have been actively bi for the last 20 years being careful and discrete. As I have arrived at what is called middle age and still enjoying these encounters I often wonder if I took a different path, where would I be? I always tell myself that I am in it for the sexual satisfaction only. I still do enjoy sex with woman but need that male-to-male contact occasionally. The problem now is I need it more often. So things have changed! Well that's all for now gotta go back to my "normal life”.....