Recently had a birthday pass. When that happens it always starts me reflecting on the past. Not to wallow but to learn and gain perspective for the future. So here i am in what is called midlife(it's only midlife if I live to be a 100) plugging along and longing for something. Can't quite put my finger on it at this point.
What it is that I am searching for? Is it youth, that I kinda miss. Is it to be passionate about some thing, body or place. I really can't say. When I was in my late thirties and going through a rough patch in my marriage, my wife would sometimes ask me what it was I was looking for. Even she noticed it. Is it a condition of being human to want to constantly keep looking for some kind of fulfillment? Do people reach a point of fulfillment and stop searching or is it an ongoing journey?
Mind you these thoughts do not occupy my whole day as I am busy with the daily routines to distract me, thankfully. I realize this blog has turned into a kind of bouncing board for my thoughts. So sorry if it sounds boring at times.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
The question of involuntarliy coming out...
Unfortunately the young guy from the last post did not contact me, I wonder how he is doing? Anyway, I received a comment in my email from a reader of my blog. He sent me a "Dear Abby" column that was in a local paper he read that day It went like this:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
GRANDDAD HOPES TO OPEN GIRL'S EYES AND HEAD OFF HEARTBREAK
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently visited our daughter and two
beautiful grandchildren, "Mary" (age 17) and "Patrick" (age 15). Mary
has a boyfriend I'll call "Brandon" who is all she has talked about
since we arrived. She's quite smitten.
One night I was having trouble falling asleep and decided to go
downstairs for a glass of wine. As I descended the stairs, I noticed
Patrick and Brandon locked in a passionate embrace on the couch. They
never noticed me, and I quietly returned upstairs. The boys'
lovemaking did not help my insomnia.
I haven't mentioned what I saw to anybody. I am not bothered by the
gay aspect of the encounter I witnessed. However, my paternal
instincts make me want to protect Mary from being hurt. I don't
believe in meddling, but I'm not sure keeping silent is right, either.
Any advice? -- SURPRISED GRANDPOP IN PHILLY
DEAR GRANDPOP: I assume that Patrick has not yet come out to the
family about his sexual orientation. If that's the case, then I don't
recommend you out him by telling his sister what you saw. I do,
however, think you should discuss it with Patrick, because he should
be the one to tell Mary she shouldn't pin her hopes on Brandon, as
he's not the person he may pretend to be.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
His question to me was; what would I do if a family member saw and confronted me with my bisexuality?
At first thought, I am very happy I do not have to answer this question for real. I got to thinking though. I have been very careful all my adult life to be discrete and try to blend my bisexuality into my life without arousing suspicions. There was one moment of poor judgment fairly recently that just about blew my cover at work. I hooked up with a gay guy at work and he saw fit to spread it around my work place. He promised me he would not! Oddly enough it really went nowhere, some people took it as gossip and my really close friends just told me what was going around and really never questioned me on it. It eventually died down. In the long run I am no longer working at that organization anyway. Just as a side note; my then boss very confidentially took me aside and gave me a general warning about workplace relationships without accusing me of anything. She was very cool about it ( she is gay by the way). Throughout my working years I have almost never mixed my social life with my work life so it's highly unlikely any of my family members would have found out about this.
I suppose in my personal life it would be more difficult to deny if I was caught in the act. I then would have no choice but to start the painful process of coming out that I now avoid at all cost. I have a very strong feeling my wife knows I am bisexual as she has asked me twice over the course of our married life. Both times I did not have the balls to admit it (I admit to being a coward on this issue). We have also fantasized about mfm threesomes and have watched some bi porn together. So she is not totally in the dark, I think... I understand the difference between thinking you know something and actually finding out it's true. So if she should find out I am sure I will have a real problem on my hands. Maybe this is wishful thinking or I am totally naive but after the initial shock of finding out for sure we would come to some kind of workable solution for the both of us. Whether our marriage remains in tack is another question. I have taken enough time on this "what if" question and have to get back to life.
The days are getting longer and spring is close to springing.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
GRANDDAD HOPES TO OPEN GIRL'S EYES AND HEAD OFF HEARTBREAK
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently visited our daughter and two
beautiful grandchildren, "Mary" (age 17) and "Patrick" (age 15). Mary
has a boyfriend I'll call "Brandon" who is all she has talked about
since we arrived. She's quite smitten.
One night I was having trouble falling asleep and decided to go
downstairs for a glass of wine. As I descended the stairs, I noticed
Patrick and Brandon locked in a passionate embrace on the couch. They
never noticed me, and I quietly returned upstairs. The boys'
lovemaking did not help my insomnia.
I haven't mentioned what I saw to anybody. I am not bothered by the
gay aspect of the encounter I witnessed. However, my paternal
instincts make me want to protect Mary from being hurt. I don't
believe in meddling, but I'm not sure keeping silent is right, either.
Any advice? -- SURPRISED GRANDPOP IN PHILLY
DEAR GRANDPOP: I assume that Patrick has not yet come out to the
family about his sexual orientation. If that's the case, then I don't
recommend you out him by telling his sister what you saw. I do,
however, think you should discuss it with Patrick, because he should
be the one to tell Mary she shouldn't pin her hopes on Brandon, as
he's not the person he may pretend to be.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
His question to me was; what would I do if a family member saw and confronted me with my bisexuality?
At first thought, I am very happy I do not have to answer this question for real. I got to thinking though. I have been very careful all my adult life to be discrete and try to blend my bisexuality into my life without arousing suspicions. There was one moment of poor judgment fairly recently that just about blew my cover at work. I hooked up with a gay guy at work and he saw fit to spread it around my work place. He promised me he would not! Oddly enough it really went nowhere, some people took it as gossip and my really close friends just told me what was going around and really never questioned me on it. It eventually died down. In the long run I am no longer working at that organization anyway. Just as a side note; my then boss very confidentially took me aside and gave me a general warning about workplace relationships without accusing me of anything. She was very cool about it ( she is gay by the way). Throughout my working years I have almost never mixed my social life with my work life so it's highly unlikely any of my family members would have found out about this.
I suppose in my personal life it would be more difficult to deny if I was caught in the act. I then would have no choice but to start the painful process of coming out that I now avoid at all cost. I have a very strong feeling my wife knows I am bisexual as she has asked me twice over the course of our married life. Both times I did not have the balls to admit it (I admit to being a coward on this issue). We have also fantasized about mfm threesomes and have watched some bi porn together. So she is not totally in the dark, I think... I understand the difference between thinking you know something and actually finding out it's true. So if she should find out I am sure I will have a real problem on my hands. Maybe this is wishful thinking or I am totally naive but after the initial shock of finding out for sure we would come to some kind of workable solution for the both of us. Whether our marriage remains in tack is another question. I have taken enough time on this "what if" question and have to get back to life.
The days are getting longer and spring is close to springing.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Why do we put so much emphasis on sexuality when it is just one part of who we are?
I recently came across a post on Craigslist that just hit me hard. A 21 yo was in agony because he he has gay thoughts and hated it. He was looking for a way to make it stop. This was the post in the rants and rave section:
================================================================
i am 21, no one knows i am gay...it would kill my folks to learn i am gay! i am just desperate to change!!!!!!!!!!
how to overcome this fuckin state?! i fuckin hate it! how am i gonna get me rid of it?!
I responded to him and also in the rants and rave section with this:
================================================================
Take it from someone who has lived in the closet his whole adult life, you cannot make it go away. If you are totally convinced you are gay you must be truthful to yourself and your family. If you do not do this now you will set yourself up for a lifetime of pain.
Maybe you will marry a great woman and have a couple of kids just to "prove" to yourself you are not gay? You think it's difficult to tell your parents now, try telling your wife and your children your gay. Through the years I have had casual encounters with guys regularly to satisfy my gay tendencies all the while calling myself bisexual. I understand the pain your in about telling your parents because I was there and I elected to remain in the closet. In retrospect I wish I had the balls to come out before I married. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and confusion.
I have chosen to stay married and continue with my male encounters(safely of course). I am at an age and stage in my life (middle age) where the change would devastate all involved including myself. I know this is not the perfect solution but everyone must do what is right for them. The only perfect solution is to admit your gay and live your life accordingly. (Very few things in life are perfect)
Just curious what is it that makes you think you are gay? Is it sexual experimentation? Is it attraction to men? No Attraction to woman? These are things you must analyze. Of course there is always bisexuality as long as the woman you meet are ok with your attraction to men. You must be truthful to yourself, if no one else.
Also you are young and have time to work this out. Don't put a time limit on having to "decide" what your sexual orientation is.
Some of this may sound contradictory, again I am not perfect and this solution is not perfect. But it works!
Your post really hit a nerve with me. If you wish to discuss further email me. If not, I really wish you good fortune regardless of the outcome.
==================================================================
I have not been able to get this kid out of my mind since I read his post. Clearly this kid is in pain. I see and feel so much of his pain in myself growing up. In my response to him I realized I have been there and came out the other side with some kind of workable solution for me. It may not work for everyone but it works for me. The reason I bring this up is because I do so much complaining here, I now feel really fortunate to be able to cope with an imperfect situation. I guess I am fortunate to have some wisdom of the years behind me.
================================================================
i am 21, no one knows i am gay...it would kill my folks to learn i am gay! i am just desperate to change!!!!!!!!!!
how to overcome this fuckin state?! i fuckin hate it! how am i gonna get me rid of it?!
I responded to him and also in the rants and rave section with this:
================================================================
Take it from someone who has lived in the closet his whole adult life, you cannot make it go away. If you are totally convinced you are gay you must be truthful to yourself and your family. If you do not do this now you will set yourself up for a lifetime of pain.
Maybe you will marry a great woman and have a couple of kids just to "prove" to yourself you are not gay? You think it's difficult to tell your parents now, try telling your wife and your children your gay. Through the years I have had casual encounters with guys regularly to satisfy my gay tendencies all the while calling myself bisexual. I understand the pain your in about telling your parents because I was there and I elected to remain in the closet. In retrospect I wish I had the balls to come out before I married. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and confusion.
I have chosen to stay married and continue with my male encounters(safely of course). I am at an age and stage in my life (middle age) where the change would devastate all involved including myself. I know this is not the perfect solution but everyone must do what is right for them. The only perfect solution is to admit your gay and live your life accordingly. (Very few things in life are perfect)
Just curious what is it that makes you think you are gay? Is it sexual experimentation? Is it attraction to men? No Attraction to woman? These are things you must analyze. Of course there is always bisexuality as long as the woman you meet are ok with your attraction to men. You must be truthful to yourself, if no one else.
Also you are young and have time to work this out. Don't put a time limit on having to "decide" what your sexual orientation is.
Some of this may sound contradictory, again I am not perfect and this solution is not perfect. But it works!
Your post really hit a nerve with me. If you wish to discuss further email me. If not, I really wish you good fortune regardless of the outcome.
==================================================================
I have not been able to get this kid out of my mind since I read his post. Clearly this kid is in pain. I see and feel so much of his pain in myself growing up. In my response to him I realized I have been there and came out the other side with some kind of workable solution for me. It may not work for everyone but it works for me. The reason I bring this up is because I do so much complaining here, I now feel really fortunate to be able to cope with an imperfect situation. I guess I am fortunate to have some wisdom of the years behind me.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
OUCH......
To the person who commented to me in private, ouch.... It has taken me this long to get back here because I was not sure how to respond. I have very mixed feelings about your comments. As a parent you want your kids to be happy. This is a very basic parental instinct. I do want to add that there is a child involved in this breakup. Having said that, I want my daughter to follow her bliss. If I have been hard on my daughter it's because I want her to make decisions out of clear and thoughtful thinking. I am not sure that she is doing this now. I am sure there is another guy in the picture, which is complicating matters. If after the requisite trying, counseling and talking period, she is still sure she wants out that is fine. But you just can't walk away on a whim. In retrospect, I might have shot from the hip on the last post. I was blowing off a little steam.
I do appreciate the comments if nothing else they make me think!
Things have let up a little or I just have a better outlook. Hey the days are getting longer, that's always a good thing. Running out of time, till the next time....
I do appreciate the comments if nothing else they make me think!
Things have let up a little or I just have a better outlook. Hey the days are getting longer, that's always a good thing. Running out of time, till the next time....
Monday, February 4, 2008
Life carries on.....
I didn't realize how sexually frustrated I was until I reread my last post. Wow. I was really uptight. I have since connected with my gay friend who I am growing very fond of. I went over his place this afternoon and had some great passionate sex. He is a great guy who is comfortable in his skin and I think I really envy him for that. He is very attentive and gentle. He makes me feel very comfortable.
I have been dealing with some minor frustrations on the new job. Because the the economy has affected the building industry, my new boss informed us that things are "slow" right now and in order to keep us working we can help him with his home renovation. I am really not into it to tell ya the truth. But it does keep the paycheck coming in. I did not spend two years in a trade school to do home renovation. Unfortunately I have no choice.
On the home front one of my kids is having some family difficult and is talking about breaking up there marriage. I am so fucking angry at them for not even trying to work things out. Not to sound like an old fart, but it seems if things get tough with the younger generation they bail immediately. They have no commitment to anything in there life. If something doesn't work out, get a new one!
I realize my moods have been somewhat affected by the winter, even though it's been mild. I am not a cold weather person I like the warmer weather. The short daylight hours definetly affect my moods.
I rarely talk about my wife here because I don't feel I should. I will make an exception this time. I know I am always complaining how humdrum our sex life is but to be fare she has her own issues to deal with and I don't make it easy for her. She is a very emotionally strong person for which I am grateful, because she holds it together when I meltdown. I just feel like I had to say that. After I reread some posts I realize I can be very hard on her in this blog.
Well, that's it for now.
On a more upbeat note, how about those Giants!!!
I have been dealing with some minor frustrations on the new job. Because the the economy has affected the building industry, my new boss informed us that things are "slow" right now and in order to keep us working we can help him with his home renovation. I am really not into it to tell ya the truth. But it does keep the paycheck coming in. I did not spend two years in a trade school to do home renovation. Unfortunately I have no choice.
On the home front one of my kids is having some family difficult and is talking about breaking up there marriage. I am so fucking angry at them for not even trying to work things out. Not to sound like an old fart, but it seems if things get tough with the younger generation they bail immediately. They have no commitment to anything in there life. If something doesn't work out, get a new one!
I realize my moods have been somewhat affected by the winter, even though it's been mild. I am not a cold weather person I like the warmer weather. The short daylight hours definetly affect my moods.
I rarely talk about my wife here because I don't feel I should. I will make an exception this time. I know I am always complaining how humdrum our sex life is but to be fare she has her own issues to deal with and I don't make it easy for her. She is a very emotionally strong person for which I am grateful, because she holds it together when I meltdown. I just feel like I had to say that. After I reread some posts I realize I can be very hard on her in this blog.
Well, that's it for now.
On a more upbeat note, how about those Giants!!!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My dry spell continues...
As I sit here and write this I am waiting for responses from a CL ad I just posted. I have some free time and wanted to kill it . Oh, just received a response from a guy, after two emails he tells me now he just got called back to work. What bullshit. I think some of these guys just get off on answering the ads!
I appreciate any and all comments whether they are here or in my email. It does take me some time to get back sometimes, for that I apologize.
I have had some family and financial problems lately. So I think that accounts for my foul mood and preoccupation with sex. I fully realize I am using it as an escape.
Oh, just received another response from my ad, as the guy wants to chat on aol. I did state in ad I wanted this for now. I guess I am losing my patience with these guys. This was a young guy probably looking for pics. Oh yea I am right.
I did have an interesting Saturday night. Went out with wife for diner and to our local pub after and had a few drinks. Interestingly I was checking out the guys and fantasizing about taking one home and having a threesome with wife. Of course it did not happen, but went home and had some good sex with wife anyway.
Another series of emails with the pic collector and now he wants a face pic! This is after I stated in ad I would not send face pics. Help me I am drowning in a see of jerk-offs. Would you believe he is now asking for my stats which are stated in ad. Heeelp.....LOL
I gotta back to the real word and try to get some household chores done. Looks like no hook-up tonight. Just running out of time. Till the next time.
I appreciate any and all comments whether they are here or in my email. It does take me some time to get back sometimes, for that I apologize.
I have had some family and financial problems lately. So I think that accounts for my foul mood and preoccupation with sex. I fully realize I am using it as an escape.
Oh, just received another response from my ad, as the guy wants to chat on aol. I did state in ad I wanted this for now. I guess I am losing my patience with these guys. This was a young guy probably looking for pics. Oh yea I am right.
I did have an interesting Saturday night. Went out with wife for diner and to our local pub after and had a few drinks. Interestingly I was checking out the guys and fantasizing about taking one home and having a threesome with wife. Of course it did not happen, but went home and had some good sex with wife anyway.
Another series of emails with the pic collector and now he wants a face pic! This is after I stated in ad I would not send face pics. Help me I am drowning in a see of jerk-offs. Would you believe he is now asking for my stats which are stated in ad. Heeelp.....LOL
I gotta back to the real word and try to get some household chores done. Looks like no hook-up tonight. Just running out of time. Till the next time.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Where does one bi-guy meet others for sex?
Thanks to Mark for some incite into my current emotional dilemma. I do believe that some folks are attracted to both sexes, not sure why I am currently in this funk. I suppose this is my mid winter blues that usually affects me around this time of the year. I am am more of a warm weather person. Hopefully in the near future, I will be moving to a warmer climate.
I have had some spare time on my hands as of late and have been cruising CL. The one thing I have noticed is, in the NYC area there is no shortage of 20 to 30 year olds looking for sex with other guys in the same age group. As a reasonably attractive middle aged fellow (so I have been told) I do have a hard time meeting other guys. I am not in the gay lifestyle so gay bars are out of the question (although I have a real strong curiosity about going to one). Looking like the guy next door does not help me meet guys for sex. So CL is one of the few options and you know how that works, endless emails, requests for pics, stats etc, then the person just stops responding. Such wasted time and energy. In the summer I do take trips to Sandy Hook clothing optional beach and hang out in the gay section. That makes for great cruising and hook-ups but the winter is tough.
As I reread this I realize it may just be some scattered thoughts, for that I apologize. In any case till the next time...
I have had some spare time on my hands as of late and have been cruising CL. The one thing I have noticed is, in the NYC area there is no shortage of 20 to 30 year olds looking for sex with other guys in the same age group. As a reasonably attractive middle aged fellow (so I have been told) I do have a hard time meeting other guys. I am not in the gay lifestyle so gay bars are out of the question (although I have a real strong curiosity about going to one). Looking like the guy next door does not help me meet guys for sex. So CL is one of the few options and you know how that works, endless emails, requests for pics, stats etc, then the person just stops responding. Such wasted time and energy. In the summer I do take trips to Sandy Hook clothing optional beach and hang out in the gay section. That makes for great cruising and hook-ups but the winter is tough.
As I reread this I realize it may just be some scattered thoughts, for that I apologize. In any case till the next time...
Monday, January 21, 2008
Am I really gay?
I seem to be very restless the last few days. I supposed this is due to having great sex with my gay friend, wanting more and not having the free time to meet him.
A while ago I met up with this older gay guy who insists that there is no such thing as bisexuality. He states that bisexuality is part of the "destination" towards homosexuality. He then asked me if I had the time to go out and have sex, would it be with a man or a woman. I said a man, I rarely go looking for a female to have sex with ( I have one at home), although I know a woman for a lotta years that when I want a different woman she is always there for me. Am I gay?
In one of my great sex sessions with my gay friend we talked (that's right folks we talk and have a good time)about my bisexuality and I admitted to him I might be gay but would not brake up my family over it. I would just continue doing what I have been doing for the last 20 yrs.
I can't believe I just wrote this! Am I not being true to myself? I love my wife and family life. Why should I upset all of what I hold dear to me just for sex? Am I taking the easy way out by staying married? I thought I settled these questions years ago. They seem to be rearing there ugly head again.
Oh by the way the guy that outed me at my last job called me the other night! I couldn't talk at the time. He wants me to call him back. What could he possibly want from me. He nearly ruined my life.
That's it for now.....
A while ago I met up with this older gay guy who insists that there is no such thing as bisexuality. He states that bisexuality is part of the "destination" towards homosexuality. He then asked me if I had the time to go out and have sex, would it be with a man or a woman. I said a man, I rarely go looking for a female to have sex with ( I have one at home), although I know a woman for a lotta years that when I want a different woman she is always there for me. Am I gay?
In one of my great sex sessions with my gay friend we talked (that's right folks we talk and have a good time)about my bisexuality and I admitted to him I might be gay but would not brake up my family over it. I would just continue doing what I have been doing for the last 20 yrs.
I can't believe I just wrote this! Am I not being true to myself? I love my wife and family life. Why should I upset all of what I hold dear to me just for sex? Am I taking the easy way out by staying married? I thought I settled these questions years ago. They seem to be rearing there ugly head again.
Oh by the way the guy that outed me at my last job called me the other night! I couldn't talk at the time. He wants me to call him back. What could he possibly want from me. He nearly ruined my life.
That's it for now.....
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Time Flies
I can't believe it's been this long since I posted anything here. A few things have changed since I have been here last. I completed my schooling and am working in a completely different field. It took me two years of basically full time schooling to do it. Within a few months I found a job in the field and am currently very content with the job content. Unfortunetly I am making less money due to having to take an entry level position. My stress level has gone to almost zero compared to my long term employment in the social services.
For those of you who have read previous posts, a few referred to a coworker outing me at my previous job. As you can imagine it was quite a stressful event. I must say my coworkers seamed to have taken it as office gossip. This asshole continues to tell people about this event. As i have always been discrete about my bisexuality this was one weak moment that I regret. I thought I could trust him. I know famous last words. But anyway he no longer works for that organization either. The sex was good though...
On the home front, sex with my wife is almost non existent, even then it's very quick and really not satisfying. This is a woman in the past that I could not resist. I still love her and respect her with all my heart and soul and would never leave her over sex.
Having said that, I did meet a guy for sex a few months back that I am really fond of, a gay guy who is very gentle, attentive and is a really a nice guy. In the past my hook-ups were just that hook-ups for sex. This guy is a little different. Sex with this guy tends to be a passionate which I have not felt in a long time. He wants me to go away with him for a weekend. That idea really does interest and excite me. If would be difficult but it's doable. Well that's it for now. I will try to get back here asap.
For those of you who have read previous posts, a few referred to a coworker outing me at my previous job. As you can imagine it was quite a stressful event. I must say my coworkers seamed to have taken it as office gossip. This asshole continues to tell people about this event. As i have always been discrete about my bisexuality this was one weak moment that I regret. I thought I could trust him. I know famous last words. But anyway he no longer works for that organization either. The sex was good though...
On the home front, sex with my wife is almost non existent, even then it's very quick and really not satisfying. This is a woman in the past that I could not resist. I still love her and respect her with all my heart and soul and would never leave her over sex.
Having said that, I did meet a guy for sex a few months back that I am really fond of, a gay guy who is very gentle, attentive and is a really a nice guy. In the past my hook-ups were just that hook-ups for sex. This guy is a little different. Sex with this guy tends to be a passionate which I have not felt in a long time. He wants me to go away with him for a weekend. That idea really does interest and excite me. If would be difficult but it's doable. Well that's it for now. I will try to get back here asap.
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