I suppose I have “had my cake and ate it too” for a lot of years. For a lot of years I have enjoyed the spoils of bisexuality. I have had great sex with my wife and was able to successfully have great sex with guys. So the question remains, why am I having a difficult time with it now? Could it be that I was on automatic pilot? All the time this was going on, I was working on my career, bringing up kids and just dealing with family life in general. So I suppose I didn’t have time to really analyze what I was actually doing. As I said in previous posts, I was ok with the whole thing. I was getting what I needed.
Is this a mid life crisis? When I was younger I was always annoyed by the term “midlife crisis”. I always thought it better to say the guy was going through a “midlife course correction”. Unless he is going out and getting arrested or doing something suicidal, I don’t think the word crisis applies. What’s the harm in seeking out who is within? I guess it would be a crisis for the others involved but not actually for him. So the question remains. Is this a “midlife course correction” for me? I will leave all of these questions for now.
I want talk about Staten Island for a few minutes. Staten Island is a borough of New York City. It is two miles from Brooklyn and about 6 miles from the tip of Manhattan. However, sometimes you would think the island was really hundreds of miles away. Most Staten Islanders by far are very conservative, some almost to the point of narrow mindedness. I know some islanders who have never traveled into Manhattan. I know a little scary! I don’t want to sound pretentious but I think I have outgrown this place. It really has gotten stale for me. The one thing I do want to add, there are more married bisexual guys on Staten Island then anyone would want to admit. I know I have met many.
This is for Mark. Please feel free to comment any time. I realize you are further along on this journey then I am and have greater perspective. Also when you say take a step back, do you mean to stop having sex with guys? Curious, because that would really take an effort on my part. As you could see I am very much in the questioning stage. Till the next time…..
3 comments:
Was I saying to stop having sex with men? Yes and no. I can't ask you to do that when I didn't do it myself when I was where you are. But what I mean more is that you need to ask yourself some of the hard questions about why you seek out sex with men and cheat on your wife. Cheating is a harsh word, but as they say "it is what it is." Where is it coming from and why do you want it. I know plenty of married men who see it completely as recreational sex and have justified it as not cheating because its with a man or don't care because it's what they need on the side and it has no relation or effect on their marriage or family life.
However, I couldn't do that. I couldn't rationalize it. It was too intrinsic to who I was/am that it got me to question lots of things about myself. In doing so it had negative effects in my marriage. I became resentful, angry and withdrawn and my wife saw it. It was self-destructive. I don't know where you net out on that part, but you are apparently having a difficult time with it now.
So yes, maybe you should put in the effect to stop having sex with other guys and figure things out more. Or, maybe you need to start looking at the harsh questions. There are lots of ways things can go. There are no simple answers and the answers are different for everyone. I just bring it up because you never know when you might take a wrong turn. You can email me directly if you ever want to talk off-blog.
Hi Guy
Welcome to our world. I started blogging a year ago and feel like stepping back in time looking at yours - the tenatitive questions but undeniable knowldege underneath of that part of yourself.
The "cake" metaphor keeps coming back. I have come to accept - for me (we are all different) that I cannot have both, at least while being honest with my wife which is important to me.
Us NY'ers are a small sub-group here and feel free to look at my blog or more importantly to e-mail - it is in my profile.
My only comment for today on sex with men - starting, stopping, etc - last night had a long talk with my wife and the truth is that our issues - my issues - are no longer giving a bj - it is finding a comfort level in the world of bi/gay men. Not that the sex hurts:)
Nate
Wow, small world. I found your blog through Defending the Raven. I’ve spent almost all of my 38 years on this planet on Staten Island until just recently relocating to Philly with my family. I probably would have never openly acknowledged my bisexuality if not for meeting my wife almost 6 years ago (she is also bi and was often in relationships with bi men). It certainly made it that much easier for me to come to grips with my feelings. Not sure what else to say other than “Hi.” Was just so excited to see a blog called Bi in Staten Island! Hope you keep it up (so to speak).
Post a Comment