Recently had a birthday pass. When that happens it always starts me reflecting on the past. Not to wallow but to learn and gain perspective for the future. So here i am in what is called midlife(it's only midlife if I live to be a 100) plugging along and longing for something. Can't quite put my finger on it at this point.
What it is that I am searching for? Is it youth, that I kinda miss. Is it to be passionate about some thing, body or place. I really can't say. When I was in my late thirties and going through a rough patch in my marriage, my wife would sometimes ask me what it was I was looking for. Even she noticed it. Is it a condition of being human to want to constantly keep looking for some kind of fulfillment? Do people reach a point of fulfillment and stop searching or is it an ongoing journey?
Mind you these thoughts do not occupy my whole day as I am busy with the daily routines to distract me, thankfully. I realize this blog has turned into a kind of bouncing board for my thoughts. So sorry if it sounds boring at times.
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Simple Answer.
You are searching for the reset button. You want a "do over."
It's natural as your life advances and you learn from your successes and failures to want to have the chance to, knowing what you know now, go back and change some things.
You want to be able to have what you have now with those slight variations and differences you wish you could easily make.
Maybe it's you wish you could have been open about your bisexuality to yourself and others. Or maybe you wish you had followed a different career path. Or been more social in high school. Or lost all that wait 10 years earlier.
It can be one thing or a combination of many small things. The problem is, just like in a science fiction movie, when you change the past it has consequences on the future.
Would you be happy with today if one or some of those things changed? Who knows. The problem is that you are stuck thinking that maybe it would be better. But maybe it would be worse. You just don't know.
I felt like that for a long time before coming out to my wife and even after. It took a lot of internal accepting of myself and figuring out how to make the best of what is here. And not to repeat the same things that I think make me unhappy. Changing the things I think I can.
You have to come to the acceptance that we can't change the past, but we can positively affect the future.
If you continue like this you are going to be in a state of paralysis that is only going to bring you down more.
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