And time stops for no one.

While most of the sex lately has been with men, I still enjoy sex with woman! Over the years I have had a very close female friend. We would get together every now and then. The sex was always great. She was a very responsive and engaged lover. I use the word lover because I do love her. Anyway I have not seen her in quite sometime and would like to. I do miss the softness of a woman's contact. I am always torn between meeting and not meeting because it always sets off mixed feelings on my part, but the draw of the great sex is undeniable. So I will most likely meet her soon. She is aware of my bisexuality and seems to be ok with it. I have even mentioned to her that I would like her to join me in a threesome. She has not said no. Our schedules are such, that we have a difficult time meeting now, I cant imagine trying to throw in a 3rd person. For now I will have to fantasize about it and watch bi porn. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my own sexuality. When the family was young I was able to integrate my bisexuality into my day to day life, all the time keeping it safe and secret. Now as I am older and not responsible for the day to day upbringing children duties. I seem to be having a more difficult time. As I said previously I would like to be out on my own for a while. I have been married since I was 20 years old I think I did my duty and would like to see the world so to speak.

Can't believe it's been 4 years!!!!

I cannot believe I have not been here in 4 years! Some things have changed and some things have not. I am still in the closet and my marriage has become increasingly difficult. Sex with my wife has become almost nonexistent while sex with men has become the norm. As my wife is a middle age woman I am almost sure she does not miss the sex. We really don’t communicate much lately. We have not talked in almost a week. She has become bitter and nasty at times to me. My response has been to withdraw, and so the cycle goes. I want out so bad but have no place to go if I leave. Finance are such that we cannot afford two households. The funny thing is even when times are “good” I am very discontent. I think resentment is high between the both of us.

On my side I have had some serious health issues which have caused me great frustration. I went from someone who was athletic and healthy to some serious heart issues. This in itself has caused me emotional turmoil. I found the meds make me feel worst then the disease. If you really want to upset your doctor, tell him you won’t take some particular med that he prescribed. I refuse to take something that will make me feel worse. Wow, as I write this I am realizing maybe I am the bitter one.
Till the next time…..

What is the secret to life

Recently had a birthday pass. When that happens it always starts me reflecting on the past. Not to wallow but to learn and gain perspective for the future. So here i am in what is called midlife(it's only midlife if I live to be a 100) plugging along and longing for something. Can't quite put my finger on it at this point.

What it is that I am searching for? Is it youth, that I kinda miss. Is it to be passionate about some thing, body or place. I really can't say. When I was in my late thirties and going through a rough patch in my marriage, my wife would sometimes ask me what it was I was looking for. Even she noticed it. Is it a condition of being human to want to constantly keep looking for some kind of fulfillment? Do people reach a point of fulfillment and stop searching or is it an ongoing journey?

Mind you these thoughts do not occupy my whole day as I am busy with the daily routines to distract me, thankfully. I realize this blog has turned into a kind of bouncing board for my thoughts. So sorry if it sounds boring at times.

The question of involuntarliy coming out...

Unfortunately the young guy from the last post did not contact me, I wonder how he is doing? Anyway, I received a comment in my email from a reader of my blog. He sent me a "Dear Abby" column that was in a local paper he read that day It went like this:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GRANDDAD HOPES TO OPEN GIRL'S EYES AND HEAD OFF HEARTBREAK

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently visited our daughter and two
beautiful grandchildren, "Mary" (age 17) and "Patrick" (age 15). Mary
has a boyfriend I'll call "Brandon" who is all she has talked about
since we arrived. She's quite smitten.

One night I was having trouble falling asleep and decided to go
downstairs for a glass of wine. As I descended the stairs, I noticed
Patrick and Brandon locked in a passionate embrace on the couch. They
never noticed me, and I quietly returned upstairs. The boys'
lovemaking did not help my insomnia.

I haven't mentioned what I saw to anybody. I am not bothered by the
gay aspect of the encounter I witnessed. However, my paternal
instincts make me want to protect Mary from being hurt. I don't
believe in meddling, but I'm not sure keeping silent is right, either.
Any advice? -- SURPRISED GRANDPOP IN PHILLY

DEAR GRANDPOP: I assume that Patrick has not yet come out to the
family about his sexual orientation. If that's the case, then I don't
recommend you out him by telling his sister what you saw. I do,
however, think you should discuss it with Patrick, because he should
be the one to tell Mary she shouldn't pin her hopes on Brandon, as
he's not the person he may pretend to be.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

His question to me was; what would I do if a family member saw and confronted me with my bisexuality?

At first thought, I am very happy I do not have to answer this question for real. I got to thinking though. I have been very careful all my adult life to be discrete and try to blend my bisexuality into my life without arousing suspicions. There was one moment of poor judgment fairly recently that just about blew my cover at work. I hooked up with a gay guy at work and he saw fit to spread it around my work place. He promised me he would not! Oddly enough it really went nowhere, some people took it as gossip and my really close friends just told me what was going around and really never questioned me on it. It eventually died down. In the long run I am no longer working at that organization anyway. Just as a side note; my then boss very confidentially took me aside and gave me a general warning about workplace relationships without accusing me of anything. She was very cool about it ( she is gay by the way). Throughout my working years I have almost never mixed my social life with my work life so it's highly unlikely any of my family members would have found out about this.

I suppose in my personal life it would be more difficult to deny if I was caught in the act. I then would have no choice but to start the painful process of coming out that I now avoid at all cost. I have a very strong feeling my wife knows I am bisexual as she has asked me twice over the course of our married life. Both times I did not have the balls to admit it (I admit to being a coward on this issue). We have also fantasized about mfm threesomes and have watched some bi porn together. So she is not totally in the dark, I think... I understand the difference between thinking you know something and actually finding out it's true. So if she should find out I am sure I will have a real problem on my hands. Maybe this is wishful thinking or I am totally naive but after the initial shock of finding out for sure we would come to some kind of workable solution for the both of us. Whether our marriage remains in tack is another question. I have taken enough time on this "what if" question and have to get back to life.

The days are getting longer and spring is close to springing.

Why do we put so much emphasis on sexuality when it is just one part of who we are?

I recently came across a post on Craigslist that just hit me hard. A 21 yo was in agony because he he has gay thoughts and hated it. He was looking for a way to make it stop. This was the post in the rants and rave section:

================================================================

i am 21, no one knows i am gay...it would kill my folks to learn i am gay! i am just desperate to change!!!!!!!!!!

how to overcome this fuckin state?! i fuckin hate it! how am i gonna get me rid of it?!

I responded to him and also in the rants and rave section with this:

================================================================

Take it from someone who has lived in the closet his whole adult life, you cannot make it go away. If you are totally convinced you are gay you must be truthful to yourself and your family. If you do not do this now you will set yourself up for a lifetime of pain.

Maybe you will marry a great woman and have a couple of kids just to "prove" to yourself you are not gay? You think it's difficult to tell your parents now, try telling your wife and your children your gay. Through the years I have had casual encounters with guys regularly to satisfy my gay tendencies all the while calling myself bisexual. I understand the pain your in about telling your parents because I was there and I elected to remain in the closet. In retrospect I wish I had the balls to come out before I married. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and confusion.

I have chosen to stay married and continue with my male encounters(safely of course). I am at an age and stage in my life (middle age) where the change would devastate all involved including myself. I know this is not the perfect solution but everyone must do what is right for them. The only perfect solution is to admit your gay and live your life accordingly. (Very few things in life are perfect)

Just curious what is it that makes you think you are gay? Is it sexual experimentation? Is it attraction to men? No Attraction to woman? These are things you must analyze. Of course there is always bisexuality as long as the woman you meet are ok with your attraction to men. You must be truthful to yourself, if no one else.

Also you are young and have time to work this out. Don't put a time limit on having to "decide" what your sexual orientation is.

Some of this may sound contradictory, again I am not perfect and this solution is not perfect. But it works!

Your post really hit a nerve with me. If you wish to discuss further email me. If not, I really wish you good fortune regardless of the outcome.

==================================================================

I have not been able to get this kid out of my mind since I read his post. Clearly this kid is in pain. I see and feel so much of his pain in myself growing up. In my response to him I realized I have been there and came out the other side with some kind of workable solution for me. It may not work for everyone but it works for me. The reason I bring this up is because I do so much complaining here, I now feel really fortunate to be able to cope with an imperfect situation. I guess I am fortunate to have some wisdom of the years behind me.

OUCH......

To the person who commented to me in private, ouch.... It has taken me this long to get back here because I was not sure how to respond. I have very mixed feelings about your comments. As a parent you want your kids to be happy. This is a very basic parental instinct. I do want to add that there is a child involved in this breakup. Having said that, I want my daughter to follow her bliss. If I have been hard on my daughter it's because I want her to make decisions out of clear and thoughtful thinking. I am not sure that she is doing this now. I am sure there is another guy in the picture, which is complicating matters. If after the requisite trying, counseling and talking period, she is still sure she wants out that is fine. But you just can't walk away on a whim. In retrospect, I might have shot from the hip on the last post. I was blowing off a little steam.

I do appreciate the comments if nothing else they make me think!

Things have let up a little or I just have a better outlook. Hey the days are getting longer, that's always a good thing. Running out of time, till the next time....

Life carries on.....

I didn't realize how sexually frustrated I was until I reread my last post. Wow. I was really uptight. I have since connected with my gay friend who I am growing very fond of. I went over his place this afternoon and had some great passionate sex. He is a great guy who is comfortable in his skin and I think I really envy him for that. He is very attentive and gentle. He makes me feel very comfortable.

I have been dealing with some minor frustrations on the new job. Because the the economy has affected the building industry, my new boss informed us that things are "slow" right now and in order to keep us working we can help him with his home renovation. I am really not into it to tell ya the truth. But it does keep the paycheck coming in. I did not spend two years in a trade school to do home renovation. Unfortunately I have no choice.

On the home front one of my kids is having some family difficult and is talking about breaking up there marriage. I am so fucking angry at them for not even trying to work things out. Not to sound like an old fart, but it seems if things get tough with the younger generation they bail immediately. They have no commitment to anything in there life. If something doesn't work out, get a new one!

I realize my moods have been somewhat affected by the winter, even though it's been mild. I am not a cold weather person I like the warmer weather. The short daylight hours definetly affect my moods.

I rarely talk about my wife here because I don't feel I should. I will make an exception this time. I know I am always complaining how humdrum our sex life is but to be fare she has her own issues to deal with and I don't make it easy for her. She is a very emotionally strong person for which I am grateful, because she holds it together when I meltdown. I just feel like I had to say that. After I reread some posts I realize I can be very hard on her in this blog.


Well, that's it for now.


On a more upbeat note, how about those Giants!!!

My dry spell continues...

As I sit here and write this I am waiting for responses from a CL ad I just posted. I have some free time and wanted to kill it . Oh, just received a response from a guy, after two emails he tells me now he just got called back to work. What bullshit. I think some of these guys just get off on answering the ads!

I appreciate any and all comments whether they are here or in my email. It does take me some time to get back sometimes, for that I apologize.

I have had some family and financial problems lately. So I think that accounts for my foul mood and preoccupation with sex. I fully realize I am using it as an escape.

Oh, just received another response from my ad, as the guy wants to chat on aol. I did state in ad I wanted this for now. I guess I am losing my patience with these guys. This was a young guy probably looking for pics. Oh yea I am right.


I did have an interesting Saturday night. Went out with wife for diner and to our local pub after and had a few drinks. Interestingly I was checking out the guys and fantasizing about taking one home and having a threesome with wife. Of course it did not happen, but went home and had some good sex with wife anyway.

Another series of emails with the pic collector and now he wants a face pic! This is after I stated in ad I would not send face pics. Help me I am drowning in a see of jerk-offs. Would you believe he is now asking for my stats which are stated in ad. Heeelp.....LOL

I gotta back to the real word and try to get some household chores done. Looks like no hook-up tonight. Just running out of time. Till the next time.

Where does one bi-guy meet others for sex?

Thanks to Mark for some incite into my current emotional dilemma. I do believe that some folks are attracted to both sexes, not sure why I am currently in this funk. I suppose this is my mid winter blues that usually affects me around this time of the year. I am am more of a warm weather person. Hopefully in the near future, I will be moving to a warmer climate.

I have had some spare time on my hands as of late and have been cruising CL. The one thing I have noticed is, in the NYC area there is no shortage of 20 to 30 year olds looking for sex with other guys in the same age group. As a reasonably attractive middle aged fellow (so I have been told) I do have a hard time meeting other guys. I am not in the gay lifestyle so gay bars are out of the question (although I have a real strong curiosity about going to one). Looking like the guy next door does not help me meet guys for sex. So CL is one of the few options and you know how that works, endless emails, requests for pics, stats etc, then the person just stops responding. Such wasted time and energy. In the summer I do take trips to Sandy Hook clothing optional beach and hang out in the gay section. That makes for great cruising and hook-ups but the winter is tough.

As I reread this I realize it may just be some scattered thoughts, for that I apologize. In any case till the next time...

Am I really gay?

I seem to be very restless the last few days. I supposed this is due to having great sex with my gay friend, wanting more and not having the free time to meet him.

A while ago I met up with this older gay guy who insists that there is no such thing as bisexuality. He states that bisexuality is part of the "destination" towards homosexuality. He then asked me if I had the time to go out and have sex, would it be with a man or a woman. I said a man, I rarely go looking for a female to have sex with ( I have one at home), although I know a woman for a lotta years that when I want a different woman she is always there for me. Am I gay?

In one of my great sex sessions with my gay friend we talked (that's right folks we talk and have a good time)about my bisexuality and I admitted to him I might be gay but would not brake up my family over it. I would just continue doing what I have been doing for the last 20 yrs.

I can't believe I just wrote this! Am I not being true to myself? I love my wife and family life. Why should I upset all of what I hold dear to me just for sex? Am I taking the easy way out by staying married? I thought I settled these questions years ago. They seem to be rearing there ugly head again.

Oh by the way the guy that outed me at my last job called me the other night! I couldn't talk at the time. He wants me to call him back. What could he possibly want from me. He nearly ruined my life.

That's it for now.....

Time Flies

I can't believe it's been this long since I posted anything here. A few things have changed since I have been here last. I completed my schooling and am working in a completely different field. It took me two years of basically full time schooling to do it. Within a few months I found a job in the field and am currently very content with the job content. Unfortunetly I am making less money due to having to take an entry level position. My stress level has gone to almost zero compared to my long term employment in the social services.

For those of you who have read previous posts, a few referred to a coworker outing me at my previous job. As you can imagine it was quite a stressful event. I must say my coworkers seamed to have taken it as office gossip. This asshole continues to tell people about this event. As i have always been discrete about my bisexuality this was one weak moment that I regret. I thought I could trust him. I know famous last words. But anyway he no longer works for that organization either. The sex was good though...

On the home front, sex with my wife is almost non existent, even then it's very quick and really not satisfying. This is a woman in the past that I could not resist. I still love her and respect her with all my heart and soul and would never leave her over sex.

Having said that, I did meet a guy for sex a few months back that I am really fond of, a gay guy who is very gentle, attentive and is a really a nice guy. In the past my hook-ups were just that hook-ups for sex. This guy is a little different. Sex with this guy tends to be a passionate which I have not felt in a long time. He wants me to go away with him for a weekend. That idea really does interest and excite me. If would be difficult but it's doable. Well that's it for now. I will try to get back here asap.

I am my own worst enemy...

I don’t have as much time as I thought I did when I started this blog. So it’s been hard to get back here to keep it updated, for that I apologize. Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been working a lot of overtime so I have not had a whole lot of time or energy to pursue sex. I will be taking a week soon for some R & R with my wife in a warmer climate. Interestingly enough or I should say true to form I have already put an ad on craigslist to try to hook-up with a guy in the area I am going to. I guess I am a slut. Hey, I always admitted to liking sex with guys.

The situation at work has quieted down quite a bit. If you recall I played with fire and got burned. I have had little contact with the guy who outed me, really only to rip into him about what he did to me. I am ashamed to say, I am still sexually attracted to him. The sex was awesome (and I never use that word). In my weak moments, I think maybe we can get together again for sex. It’s really up to me. I doubt very much it will happen but being the age I am, I never say never. What the fuck am I saying here!!! I am fucked up.

My relationship with my wife has been pretty good. The sex part not so good, It’s been few and far between. The few times we have had sex, have been very mechanical and I hate that. I could just as well jerk-off. I will keep you posted on how my vacation is going as I will be connected most of the trip. Not for work, just for pleasure…..

It is a Good Friday

So today is Good Friday and good it has been so far this morning. After more then a few hectic weeks things are starting to settle down. My health has improved and work seems to be going ok, although busy. My relationship with my wife has been also improving mostly because I have made the extra effort to make it so. I am always surprised at the outcome of things when I put in extra effort. You would thing that I would have figured this out by middle age.

After a long time (I think months) I have finally made a hook-up. I occasionally hook-up with a younger guy who is great in bed. Sometimes it’s a quickie and some time not. This last time it was not a quickie and boy was it good. When I go a long time without male to male contact I forget how good I feel afterwards. As I said in previous post I love sex with woman but also love it with guys. I feel sooo relaxed at this moment, and that would be because we just finished a little while ago.

Looking forward to taking a trip to a warmer climate in a few weeks, it will be nice to get out of this crappy weather we have been experiencing lately, also looking forward to spending some down time with my wife. Still have not had the conversation with her, but am getting closer everyday. Well, till next time…

Time heals wounds?

The passage of time has lessened the stress I have been going through. The outing situation at work has calmed down, the gossipers have moved on and my health has improved over the last couple of weeks. My so called friend at work has tried to make conversation but I am just to angry with him to discuss the situation.

As things settle, my thoughts turn back to my bi/sexuality. I have not had any sex lately and am in need of some. I worked my way down to the local cruising spot yesterday but it was pretty quiet. I did see someone that I had hooked up with a few years ago and he tried to get my attention, but I kinda made believe I did not see him. He came with too many rules. I am more of a go with the flow guy. While i do have my limits, they are few. Unfortunately, I came home and took care of myself.

As I am feeling stronger by the day I will continue my quest this weekend to bring my wife along my bisexual journey.Boy am I felling much better...

Just another day...

Thanks for the comments guys. This has been a very sobering experience and I think I need some time to lick my wounds. It took me years to come out to someone I knew and when I finally did, it blew up in my face. Talk about a hard learned lesson.

It's not likely my wife will know about what happened at work. She does not know anyone I work with and I have always made a practice of not socializing with work buddies. Well, with one exception(and look what happened). I have never been betrayed like this before. As the days have passed it has gotten easier so I suppose that's a good thing. Till the next time...

Back into the closet...

It’s been awhile since I have been here and a lot has happened. My health has not been good, I think the long hours I have been working are catching up with me. I also think the mental stress of this bi thing is taking its toll on my physical health. I guess I am just run down physically and mentally. Most importantly I have been outed at work.

My so called friend at work, who I trusted (what a fool I was) felt the need to tell some people who he thought he could trust about our “affair” (his word). So you can imagine the fall out from that. Up till now all of my bisexual contacts have been I guess you would say anonymous. I have avoided any kind of relationship with the guys I generally met online. Sure we would have repeat performances, but they were never involved in my every day life. I always avoided that at all costs. Here’s the one guy I trusted and he let me down in a big way, at this point the biggest way possible. I am quite depressed at this turn of events. This whole thing is starting to look like a soap opera. I have never had drama in my life and I really don’t want it to start now.

Being in this physical and mental state is making me think about pulling back on the whole idea about being open with my wife. I think I am going to retreat to the closet for a little while.

If I knew then what I know now...

I have been a little vague about describing myself here as to not give too many clues to who I might be. As I said before, living on Staten Island is like living in a small town. If you heard of six degrees of separation, Staten Island is probably 3 degrees. In any case, I would like to say a few things about myself which the reason why will be come apparent later in the post.

I like to think I am in reasonably good shape for my age. I have been lifting weights 3 times a week since my mid twenties as well as hitting a heavy bag. I am an avid bicycle rider, in season (and sometimes out). I ride a minimum of 12-15 miles at least 3 times a week (most times more). While I am on the stocky side most people will say I am built solid, a little extra padding around the waist but by no means fat. Now I mention this because…

Yesterday afternoon I found myself at the emergency room at the local hospital due to severe chest pains. This is the first time anything like this has happened to me. After the customary 4 hours of tests it was determined I was not having a heart attack. If there is a God I thank him or her. The most they could say, it was possibly a pulled muscle as I still have some pain, but I will have to see my regular doctor on Monday. Up to this point I have reached middle age with none of the afflictions that effected my parent’s generation at this age. My father had passed away at the age I am at now.

I am not sure where I going with all this just needed to get it out of my system. I suppose the stress of my “coming out” could be playing a role in my physical health. In any case this episode got my wife and me communicating after our little blow out yesterday. This whole thing got me thinking about when we are young we do take for granted our health and think we will always have it no matter what. I remember hearing many times that “youth is wasted on the young”. Man, if I knew then what I know now?

A monkey wrench

Wow. I am not sure what happened this morning, but I had a big blowout with my wife. Interestingly enough it was about money! We rarely argue and we never argue about money. This weekend was the weekend I was going to at least start telling her. Did I bring this on subconsciously to avoid the real issue? Did she sense something and start the argument? My head is spinning at the moment. I hope we can come to some understanding before tonight as we have a family function to go to. I am going to go for a walk in a little while as I need to clear my head. This does throw a monkey wrench in to my plans. Hopefully I can salvage the weekend.

Just another day.

I have completed my night shift assignment. If you have been a regular reader of my blog, you will know I have been working the overnight shift temporarily and have not been happy about it. It just seems that you have way to much time to think about your life on the overnight. Not that it’s a bad thing to think about your life, It’s just that when you do the shift on a temporary basis you are usually tired. Thinking about your life when you’re tired all the time makes your problems seem so much more unmanageable.

Going to try to go out and have some fun this weekend. If the chemistry seems right I am going to suggest a 3some to my wife. If this opens a dialogue on the subject of my sexuality, I intend to go with it. I am going to be as straight forward and sensitive as I can be.

In any case I will have to have sex with a guy very soon as I am really horny for some male contact…

Do we call it "coming out"?

Unless you work the night shift steady, flip flopping between shifts suck the life right out of you. Hopefully this will end soon. Haven’t had any quality time with my wife lately and hoping this weekend to do just that. Our relationship is in an unusual place right now. As I concentrate on my relationship with her, she seems to withdraw. Maybe she knows it’s coming. She has been really running hot and cold lately. From having great sex one night to cold and distant the next. Posts will most likely be short over the next few days, due to this flip flopping of shifts at work. I am as close as I have ever been to “coming out” so to speak.