Time heals wounds?

The passage of time has lessened the stress I have been going through. The outing situation at work has calmed down, the gossipers have moved on and my health has improved over the last couple of weeks. My so called friend at work has tried to make conversation but I am just to angry with him to discuss the situation.

As things settle, my thoughts turn back to my bi/sexuality. I have not had any sex lately and am in need of some. I worked my way down to the local cruising spot yesterday but it was pretty quiet. I did see someone that I had hooked up with a few years ago and he tried to get my attention, but I kinda made believe I did not see him. He came with too many rules. I am more of a go with the flow guy. While i do have my limits, they are few. Unfortunately, I came home and took care of myself.

As I am feeling stronger by the day I will continue my quest this weekend to bring my wife along my bisexual journey.Boy am I felling much better...

Just another day...

Thanks for the comments guys. This has been a very sobering experience and I think I need some time to lick my wounds. It took me years to come out to someone I knew and when I finally did, it blew up in my face. Talk about a hard learned lesson.

It's not likely my wife will know about what happened at work. She does not know anyone I work with and I have always made a practice of not socializing with work buddies. Well, with one exception(and look what happened). I have never been betrayed like this before. As the days have passed it has gotten easier so I suppose that's a good thing. Till the next time...

Back into the closet...

It’s been awhile since I have been here and a lot has happened. My health has not been good, I think the long hours I have been working are catching up with me. I also think the mental stress of this bi thing is taking its toll on my physical health. I guess I am just run down physically and mentally. Most importantly I have been outed at work.

My so called friend at work, who I trusted (what a fool I was) felt the need to tell some people who he thought he could trust about our “affair” (his word). So you can imagine the fall out from that. Up till now all of my bisexual contacts have been I guess you would say anonymous. I have avoided any kind of relationship with the guys I generally met online. Sure we would have repeat performances, but they were never involved in my every day life. I always avoided that at all costs. Here’s the one guy I trusted and he let me down in a big way, at this point the biggest way possible. I am quite depressed at this turn of events. This whole thing is starting to look like a soap opera. I have never had drama in my life and I really don’t want it to start now.

Being in this physical and mental state is making me think about pulling back on the whole idea about being open with my wife. I think I am going to retreat to the closet for a little while.

If I knew then what I know now...

I have been a little vague about describing myself here as to not give too many clues to who I might be. As I said before, living on Staten Island is like living in a small town. If you heard of six degrees of separation, Staten Island is probably 3 degrees. In any case, I would like to say a few things about myself which the reason why will be come apparent later in the post.

I like to think I am in reasonably good shape for my age. I have been lifting weights 3 times a week since my mid twenties as well as hitting a heavy bag. I am an avid bicycle rider, in season (and sometimes out). I ride a minimum of 12-15 miles at least 3 times a week (most times more). While I am on the stocky side most people will say I am built solid, a little extra padding around the waist but by no means fat. Now I mention this because…

Yesterday afternoon I found myself at the emergency room at the local hospital due to severe chest pains. This is the first time anything like this has happened to me. After the customary 4 hours of tests it was determined I was not having a heart attack. If there is a God I thank him or her. The most they could say, it was possibly a pulled muscle as I still have some pain, but I will have to see my regular doctor on Monday. Up to this point I have reached middle age with none of the afflictions that effected my parent’s generation at this age. My father had passed away at the age I am at now.

I am not sure where I going with all this just needed to get it out of my system. I suppose the stress of my “coming out” could be playing a role in my physical health. In any case this episode got my wife and me communicating after our little blow out yesterday. This whole thing got me thinking about when we are young we do take for granted our health and think we will always have it no matter what. I remember hearing many times that “youth is wasted on the young”. Man, if I knew then what I know now?

A monkey wrench

Wow. I am not sure what happened this morning, but I had a big blowout with my wife. Interestingly enough it was about money! We rarely argue and we never argue about money. This weekend was the weekend I was going to at least start telling her. Did I bring this on subconsciously to avoid the real issue? Did she sense something and start the argument? My head is spinning at the moment. I hope we can come to some understanding before tonight as we have a family function to go to. I am going to go for a walk in a little while as I need to clear my head. This does throw a monkey wrench in to my plans. Hopefully I can salvage the weekend.

Just another day.

I have completed my night shift assignment. If you have been a regular reader of my blog, you will know I have been working the overnight shift temporarily and have not been happy about it. It just seems that you have way to much time to think about your life on the overnight. Not that it’s a bad thing to think about your life, It’s just that when you do the shift on a temporary basis you are usually tired. Thinking about your life when you’re tired all the time makes your problems seem so much more unmanageable.

Going to try to go out and have some fun this weekend. If the chemistry seems right I am going to suggest a 3some to my wife. If this opens a dialogue on the subject of my sexuality, I intend to go with it. I am going to be as straight forward and sensitive as I can be.

In any case I will have to have sex with a guy very soon as I am really horny for some male contact…

Do we call it "coming out"?

Unless you work the night shift steady, flip flopping between shifts suck the life right out of you. Hopefully this will end soon. Haven’t had any quality time with my wife lately and hoping this weekend to do just that. Our relationship is in an unusual place right now. As I concentrate on my relationship with her, she seems to withdraw. Maybe she knows it’s coming. She has been really running hot and cold lately. From having great sex one night to cold and distant the next. Posts will most likely be short over the next few days, due to this flip flopping of shifts at work. I am as close as I have ever been to “coming out” so to speak.

Is it rose colored glasses?

It’s been a few days since I have been here and have had some time to think about some of my issues. I have come to the conclusion, that if my wife asks me about my bisexuality I will admit to it. I still have not settled on how much though. Do I say I have been doing it all my adult life or do I say it’s been something recent? I will try to assure her it’s not an emotional thing, but purely a sexual/physical thing. I am sure this is not going to matter in the initial reaction. I have accepted the fact, that I can no longer keep this from her. This is my wife and friend for many years! Something inside me says, after the initial shock and reaction she will accept it. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I believe this issue as it stands now is starting to seriously affect our day-to-day relationship. I am not relating to her in the same way I have done in the past. I am kinda snappy, a little withdrawn at times and my mind is preoccupied with this issue a lot of the times.

I once read somewhere that it is a long road from realization to acceptance. What I have took for acceptance over the years may have only been realization. I have accepted the fact that I am bisexual. I have not over the years accepted the fact that it does affect my relationship with my wife. I may be looking through rose-colored glasses but I think I am at least beginning to travel in the direction of being honest with myself.